Motherhood Confessions: Mommy Guilt
This last month has been bitter sweet for me. The moments I have left with Parker, just the two of us, are passing quickly. It’s hard to believe I just finished up his monthly update and it very well could be the last one before baby girl arrives. Where has the last two+ years gone? Despite my enormous belly, I don’t think it has quite settled in that we will soon be a family of four.
Iv’e found myself torn between enjoying every sweet moment and trying to tackle the huge to-do list we have. Just the other day I was trying to get things done while Parker played away in his play room. I went to check on him and he was just being so cute. At that moment I literally said to myself, “what the heck are you doing?” I looked at our kitchen that had been taken over by all of our pantry items in my attempt to get it organized. Very unlike me, I realized it could wait and went down to spend time with him. His face lite up as he said, “Mommy come in.” That sentence alone broke my heart.
Does he feel slighted because I am not playing with him?
Can he possibly think I am mad and that is why I am not playing with him?
Even though he plays so well by himself, does he get lonely?
I tried to keep all of these questions in the back of my mind while we spent the next hour coloring and playing with his cars. It was hard to ignore them and I found myself close to tears a few times.
Even though that moment really hit me, there are many things that I need to finish up before she arrives. I know it will be much harder to finish everything once she is here. Luckily Rob has been amazing and we are chugging away. It was really hard at first but yesterday we managed to run errands in the morning, meet with our Doula, go for a walk, hang up about 90% of baby girls decorations, and make a home cooked meal. Rob also played with Parker outside while I got the bills and budget updated. After dinner we had time to give Parker a quick shower and relax before his bed time. Then Rob and I spent the evening in baby girls room finishing up Black Is The New Orange and winding down.
I think the trick we finally figured out was how to get things accomplished as a family. We have gotten a little creative and found ways to either incorporate Parker or give him something to do in the same room we are working on something. The last few days have been amazing because we have had so much family time. I don’t plan for that to change once baby girl arrives either. We will never get these moments back.
I will be questioning myself and my success as a Mother for the rest of my life, that will never change. At least in this moment I have found a way to savor these last moments with Parker, prioritize what can wait, what can’t wait and how I can make a few changes to achieve both.